


Thrift the Dead

by BeezandBitches



Series: Kiss the Human Girl [10]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Established Relationship, Exorcisms, F/F, Fluff, Going to be moving in together, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), Thrift Shopping, possessed doll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:33:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29206656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeezandBitches/pseuds/BeezandBitches
Summary: Beelzebub and Anathema are going to be moving in together soon, so Beelzebub decided to join Anathema on a stop to the thrift shop to look for things for the house. While there, they find something that'll go great on the fireplace.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Beelzebub (Good Omens)
Series: Kiss the Human Girl [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1449685





	Thrift the Dead

“I just want to pick up a few things for the kitchen- you don’t need to come in if you don’t want to.”

Beelzebub got out of the driver side of the small ‘beetle car’ only to shield their eyes from the heavy midday sunlight overhead. They never could quite get used to how bright the surface was.

Anathema got out of the passenger side, slipping her bag strap over her shoulder and closing the door. She fixed her glasses and looked over at her partner.

“It’s fine, Bee, really.” She said. “I know you’re not big on public places yet.”

“Nonzzense.” They buzzed, placing their hands on their waist. They were dressed down- which wasn’t very common for them. They wore a plain red t-shirt and checkered black and grey short-sleeved overshirt with a pair of faded jeans. It was a little baggy, but they didn’t seem to mind. “If this is important to you, then it’s important to me. Besidezz, it’s for ourhome.”

_Our_ home is what Beelzebub called the little cottage that Anathema was renting in Tadfield. They had been planning on moving in together for some time, but all the paperwork that came with changing official locations in Hell’s registrar was a nightmare, even for a prince. Beelzebub had tried to just have Dagon forward all their paperwork up to Earth, but she said that for her to do that, they’d better start paying her better- or pay her in general. So, Beelzebub, ever so stubborn, took the long route.

They didn’t show it, but they were rather excited at the prospects of moving in with Anathema. Not just because it meant the travel from their office would be completely removed, but it also meant they could spend more time with her. And besides, they felt as if they were going to live together, they might as well embark with Anathema on some of her chores for the house- including knickknack hunting at the thrift shop.

“Well, if you’re sure.” Anathema said as the two of them walked in through the front door of the little building. 

It was a cramped, cluttered place, filled with little nothings and half-somethings from decades prior that had previously been lovingly collecting dust in dozens of elderly people’s homes. It smelt like mothballs and sleepytime tea that had been steeping for far too long. Every piece of furniture had a thin layer of mystery animal hair coating it, distorting the original colors more than the years of dust and coffee spills could. 

Anathema _loved_ it.

“Look at this!” She said excitedly as she picked up something that Beelzebub couldn’t tell what it was for the first thirty seconds of looking at it. It was oblong shaped and its baby blue paint was chipped in a circle- as if the person who had last owned it held it firmly in the exact same spot for years. “Isn’t this adorable?”

“It’s.. something, alright.” Beelzebub nodded slowly, trying to be supportive. A second of Anathema’s smile was worth any amount of time interpreting knickknacks.

“You have no idea what it is, don’t you?” Anathema asked.

“Not a clue.”

“It’s a timer, look.” She turned the head- in the same circle as the chipped paint- as it started to _click, click, click_ down. Beelzebub nodded again.

“Ok, now I see it.” They said. “Cute.”

Anathema set it back down on the shelf and started to look through the other things- all while Beelzebub followed her about. Nothing really caught their eye, despite almost everything catching Anathema’s.

That is, until they came across a strange presence. A doll, sitting half slumped against a teapot and a broken clock, dressed in a little white dress with green yarn for hair that was clearly sewn by hand. It was missing an eye, with the other one being a button that seemed to have once gone on the dress itself, as it matched the two it had. The hair was clipped haphazardly in random places, with the remains of it tied up in pigtails.

Beelzebub stared at the doll for what felt like forever, almost as if they were sizing the poor cotton-stuffed thing up. Anathema took notice after setting down a garfield phone that made a faint buzzing noise every time you listened to it.

“You find something you like?” She asked, bending down slightly to get a better view of the shelf where Beelzebub was staring. That’s when she saw the doll. “Oh, that’s precious-“ 

She went to grab the doll, only for Beelzebub to stop her hand before she could touch it.

“Don’t.” They said. “That thing izz haunted.”

“What?” She asked.

“It’zz haunted. I can sense the evil in it.” They said. “The zzoul is angry, too.”

“That thing? Angry?”

“Extremely. Murderous even.” They glared at the doll, squeezing Anathema’s hand slightly as they brought it away from that thing. “Best to just leave it.”

“You’re kidding- we have to buy it then!” Anathema said, only to get a double take from Beelzebub.

“ _What?_ ” They asked as she went for the doll again, picking it up and holding it up to the light. “Why the heaven zzhould we?”

“We can set the soul free- plus, the toy itself is cute. It’ll look nice on the fireplace.”

“Ana, I don’t know if you realize thizz, but demons aren’t exactly the most well equipped when it comes to _reversing_ a possession. We cauzze them.” Beelzebub said as Anathema hummed slightly, bringing the doll back to eye level.

“Oh, it can’t be that hard. Aziraphale lent me a few ancient spell books awhile back, we should be able to find something there. However they’re in latin so I just need your help translating.” She said.

“Do you think _all_ demons can speak Latin just because that flashy bazztard Crowley can?” They asked, crossing their arms.

“Well, can you?”

“I-“ They stopped. “..Yezz.”

“Great,” She smiled. “It’s settled. We’re helping this spirit.”

* * *

For the low price of three dollars, the doll- which Anathema affectionately dubbed ‘Mabel’- sat in her lap as she and Beelzebub headed home. After bringing in the remaining bags of kitchen goods that they had also picked up, Anathema sat Mabel on the countertop.

“Watch her for me while I get the spell books, okay?” Anathema said as she was already off to the bedroom, to which Beelzebub nodded. 

As the door closed, they turned to face Mabel, plopping their head into their hands and staring at the motionless doll.

Their lips pursed as they watched it do all of nothing, and yet they started to talk to her.

“Shut it.” They said. “Anathema izzn’t just any human. She’s smart. Smarter than most. You should rezzpect her, since she’s taking pity on you.”

The doll said nothing.

“I am _not_ whipped, you stupid bag of fluff.” They hissed. “I just happen to have amazing taste in women.”

Absolutely nothing, not even the slightest twitch or movement.

“Yes, I plan to move in with h- Watch it!” They shouted. “We keep things like that _private,_ you bastard!”

Still as a stone.

“I don’t zzee why it’s any of your business if we plan to adopt or not! You’re so nosey, no wonder your husband burned down your house with you inside!”

Not. Even. A. Slump.

“Zzo what if I’m in love with her? I’m a demon prince- I can do as I pleazze!” The blush that crept up onto Beelzebub’s face was apparently very funny to Mabel, as they went to throttle her by the neck until Anathema walked back in.

“Found i- Bee, you alright?” She asked as she eyed her partner. They coughed and looked away. 

“I’m fine.” They said. “You found the spell?”

“Yep!” Anathema said as she opened the book. “Thankfully, they used pictures in books when this was published. So I found the first one that looked like a soul leaving an object.”

She pointed at the page at hand, and sure enough, in Latin it said ‘Exorcism of an Object’ in a rather large font. Beelzebub quickly skimmed the page, looking at it.

“This _is_ easy, fuck.” They muttered, wondering how often humans were really performing genuine exorcisms without Heaven or Hell’s notice. “Alright, take my hand.”

“Why?”

“It says here the spell requires two beings. One to pull the soul out and another to lock the object.”

Anathema nodded- that made sense. All old spells were like that. It was a sort of no homo thing a lot of magic users had going on. And so, she took their hand.

Beelzebub started reciting the spell and sure enough, the doll started to shake. It was as if it was inside the washing machine, tumbling about on the table. A light blue light started to admit from it, pulling out from the cotton and yarn as if by force.

Anathema waited for her cue, her part of the spell in sight. She could feel the deep demonic energy coursing through Beelzebub’s palm- it was hot like hellfire and tingled slightly. They squeezed her hand, and she smiled.

As soon as the blue light pulled fully from the doll, Anathema recited her spell, and a ghostly pale green chain wrapped itself around the body, popping into specks of light with the final word.

The blue light hovered above Mabel before bouncing against it, trying to return, only to see that it couldn’t. It paused then with no eyes turned to look at Anathema and Beelzebub.

“You can go now.” Beelzebub said with that poignant bitter-soaked buzz. “I’m sure you’re far behind on whatever the afterlife hazz in store for you.” They waved it off with their free hand. “Shoo.”

The blue light took that and ran with it, disappearing in a puff. 

“Well,” Anathema said as she picked up the doll. “We have a new fireplace knickknack.”

“Wonderful.” Beelzebub said, the same buzz softening as they felt Anathema squeeze their hand back.

And so, Mabel the doll sat slightly slumped over on the Jasmine Cottage fireplace, watching over the magically demonic couple that was Anathema and Beelzebub as they started their new domestic life together.


End file.
